The Case of the Christmas Conundrum Christmas SKIT
The Case of the Christmas Conundrum
Characters : PENNY WORTH, SLIM, PREACHER, Lady 1, Lady 2, Lady 3, Priest, Vagrant, Martha, Carollers.
Penny: Hi’ I’m Penny, Penny Worth, and before you make any cheap jokes about my name remember it comes with a cost. Some people call me LOONEY, but I’m not a Quarter as bad as some people say, Oh, by the way this is my pal SLIM…
(Slim shrugs slightly) (Slim is wearing dark glasses, dark coat, )
Penny: Slim don’t say much I guess he’s the strong silent type , or at least he’s silent anyway.
Say, Were out to solve a mystery, one that’s been bothering me for some time now….What IS this CHRISTMAS THING all about anyway… I mean it sneaks around every year and really causes quite a stir, but for all the publicity I’m still short changed on what it’s all about.
(Just then a mob of deranged shoppers surge through)
Lady 1 : It’s MINE, MINE I tell you,
Lady 2: NO WAY IT’S MINE…
LADY 3, NO I absolutely NEED that cabbage Patch tickle me elmo roboman doll!!!
All: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (They Fight like banshees)
Slim is cowering in the midst of the mob, holding up a card that says (HELP)
Penny: HEY! Hold on… could any of you three tell me the meaning of Christmas?
Lady 1: (While still holding lady 2 in a choke hold) Christmas is about getting what YOU WANT little deary, it`s about THINGS.
Lady 2 (While kicking lady 1 in the leg) Yeah you old HAG!!! It`s about Me getting that DOLL!!!!
(Lady 2 and 1 Chase each other off the stage)
Lady 3: (With a great sigh… looks at Penny and slim) Don`t let those two throw you off they always get cranky around this time of year….. The meaning of Christmas is ……
Penny : Yes, Yes….. (Slim leans in) …
Lady 3: Santa Clause….that jolly old elf who brings THINGS, and Stuff, and fattening candy and goodies and possibly ,If I can get my hands on that stupid DOLL…. A happy Christmas for my screaming kid!!!, (With this she tears off down the street with her purse held high screaming …) I’ll give you 150 bucks for that thing, hey don’t you rip it you lunatic, I can’t even get that on E-Bay!!!!!
Penny: Well they weren’t much help now were they…..
Slim: Hands Penny a card that says….
Penny: reads the card
Luke 12:15 And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness:
for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
Penny: Yeah, that’s right life is more than stuff, and this whole Christmas hooplah cant be just about stuff…..well slim let’s keep looking…….(Slim and Penny walk away)
Carollers come in and sing:
Penny and Slim walk up after they are done , while the Carollers are trooping away
Penny: Hey that was nice too bad were no further ahead than we were before
Slim: Gestures toward the Carollers and then looks at Penny and shakes his head.
A religious man walks by with a serene look on his face saying
Priest: Bless you my child, bless you my brother, bless you all…
Penny: Hey Mister!
Priest: Oh little one you may call your humble servant the Right Reverend Slewfoot, or Just call me your most Highly exalted one. My friends, of whom you have not attained yet call me Sir exaulted….. what can I do for you my poor little waif…
Penny: Uh, well (Being taken aback by his pompous attitude)
Priest: I See my glorious presence has made you tongue tied
Penny: Well your Highly insulted…
Priest: exalted, Exalted my wee supplicant.
Slim pulls down his shades and looks at the priest while shaking his head… he pulls out a card that says…
Job 8:2 How long wilt thou speak these things?
and how long shall the words of thy mouth be like a strong wind?
Priest: What is that the slim one says?
Penny: Oh nothing , just something about the Weather, say can you tell me what this whole Christmas thing is all about?
Priest: Certainly my little seeker, why I know the deep mysteries, for I have studies long and have gained great knowledge from the schools of highest learning…. The true meaning of Christmas is …….
Penny: Yes, Yes…..(Slim leans in) …
Priest: It is the essential goodness of mankind and the essential brotherhood of humanity, the great love we have for one another and the spark of Divinity that burns so brightly within our breast….
Just then a vagrant comes slouching by and says
Vagrant: Hey brother can you spare a dime?
Priest: Don’t touch me you vile insect! Such trash! Get back or I’ll…….
The priest pulls out a bottle of mace…..
Priest: I’ll teach you, you ruffian! (He sprays the vagrant in the face)
Vagrant: Ahhh my nose… My nose … (He runs off down the street)
Priest: (Chasing the vagrant) Come back you vandal…. Don’t you know I was doing such good deeds to humanity until you interrupted me… how dare you victimize me so………..
Penny: well the milk of human kindness certainly went sour there.
Slim; (Passes her another card) Penny reads it
Isaiah 64:6 But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.
Penny :(With a great sigh) Slim, I just can’t figure all this stuff out… What will we ever do…
(Slim and Penny sit down on the street corner as the Carollers come back)
Carollers sing:
Carollers move off while Slim is gesturing toward them while Penny sighs and scratches her head while she walks about. Finally Slim throws up his hands in disgust.
Penny: You know Slim I think that were closer to the answer than we think, I just feel like I’m missing something… and Penny Worth ‘s reality check will not bounce!!!!
Just them a lady wanders through dressed in a very festive way humming a Christmas ditty
Penny : Excuse me Miss, can I ask you a question….?
Martha: Why yes but do hurry I have a Christmas Quiche made with goat cheese and basil cooking in the oven and It would be an absolute disaster if it flopped…..I have to garnish it with a festive pepper sauce, set it on a plate of sapphire and add three sprigs of Holly to set off the decor of the room in which I serve it……
Penny: Not to interrupt your culinary conjectures Miss but could you tell me what the meaning of this Christmas thing is?
Martha: Why little girl I am surprised that you do not know, why it is such common knowledge, you must not have read my article on it in my Magazine “Better Homes and Goblins” … well, Christmas is all about ….
Penny: Yes, yes…..(Slim leans in) …
Martha: Decorations! Festivity, a time for the warmth of a fireplace, bows, and family and friends, tastefully dressed of course, sitting about a picture perfect living room set with candles and greenery, with holly berries, and a great big tofu turkey with buttercup squash, cranberries, and chestnut stuffing… It’s about the ATMOSPHERE you create and the OOoooohs and the Ahhhhssss that you evoke. Ah Christmas time so filled with possibilities of exhibiting my genius of Decoration, of baking…..
Vagrant: The poor vagrant comes by again holding his nose and moaning, he holds out his cup and says
Vagrant: Can you spare some Quiche?
Martha: Oh My quiche!!!! It must be burning…. Oh you dreadful little toad! Look what you have done!!!
My Christmas is RUINED, ruined if that Quiche is burnt… it is over I will never be able to salvage my Christmas now… ohhhhhhhh, my decorations will all smell like smoke and that fresh pine smell and roast turkey incense will be overpowered. Ohhh… boo hoo, hoo……. My Quiche, My beautiful Christmas Quiche!!!!!
Penny: Now that was not tasteful at all….But were no better off now than before…….
Slim passes her a card which penny reads
Matthew 15:17-18 Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
Penny: Well I really am at the end of my rope , where can we find the answer to any of this!!!
The Carollers come on and Sing:
Slim hands another card to Penny:
Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
Slim points to the Carollers.. directing Penny to the Preacher
Penny: what does THIS have to do with Christmas?…..
Preacher: Why hello there you two, have you ever heard tell of Salvations story?
Penny: I would love to , but I’m on a case right now trying to solve the meaning of Christmas…
Slim looks exasperated and shakes his head and hands into the air…..
Preacher: That’s great! That has a lot to do with the meaning of Christmas…
Penny: Really, what a break in the case!!!
Preacher; (Gives the simple Gospel story)
Preacher now looks to the congregation…
That was an interesting play , but what about YOU
All the cast sing one final song: